What next

It feels like after uni everything started sliding away and going downhill. It was a really good time, I did so much, and lots of things fell into place.

I was amongst people with whom I felt I belonged, we cared for one another, we understood each other. I had the time and space I needed to grow, train and perfect my regiment and execute it to a T. I had everything I needed on campus, and then I could go back home to unwind and rest. Basically I had everything going right for me.

Gone are my friends, I don’t have a home any more and my work place is not a fun place to be. I’m just floating around, supposed to chase this and that target for my career or whatever but man I don’t believe in those things. I never did. Every day I’m waiting foe the day to come to an end and collectively, I’m just waiting for some end.

It’s like I’m in limbo. Nowhere to go, no time to do the things I believe in, and yeah there are people who care for me but sometimes it feels people don’t just care, they also want to pull you somewhere or make you into something and occasionally that gets tiring. My heart isn’t at rest and sleep is just a transition between two half-wakeful states. I hardly get excited or look forward to things anymore. Which is funny because we just bought our own place and are gonna start renovation soon but there is no part of me excited about the completion or moving in. I can only hope that that place will be my own home; somehow I can’t be sure. It’s unpredictable I guess? I don’t know what it’ll be like, what factors will emerge and what might happen next.

The truth is hardly anything is within our control but that is a depressing reality when these many uncontrollable factors somehow are at odds with you.

Mahlon’s have evolved from exciting, happy events to a bright point on a dark route. I’ll reach it and bask in the light then I’ll have to leave it again. Is this because I’ve grown lax in my daily salawat? Is this a result of my heedlessness or lack of remembrance?

I’m waiting for the end. I’m not ready for it but I want it. This life is a prison, sometimes painful. A part of me feels I have something big to offer to the world but what is it and what is the point? Why do I want to do it? Who do I benefit? Do they really need me to do it? 

I need to sleep so I can stay awake tomorrow… even if I don’t want to.

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