I need to write, gotta get things out of me.
I’ve come to a point where i actually hate my job; the intellectual part of me sees nothing inherently wrong or bad about teaching. No, i still have immense respect for my teachers and kind of hope to be like them one day.
But the day to day grind, the meaningless tasks, restrictions, ridiculous policies and unnecessary politics has soured the experience for me. I guess i had to do it to realize teaching long term is just not my thing. There’s nothing exciting about it. Workshops, talks, now that’s more my cup of tea. It can’t be too often though, cos then it gets too repetitive and boring.
What i feel now is an immensely strong desire to be out there. I want some danger, excitement, risk and a great demand for me to be the best i can to do my job well. Physically fit, mentally sharp, skilful, brave; these are things that appeal to me which my job doesn’t really encourage or need. I won’t talk about others but i myself find that with the work i have to do and the things i need to handle, i feel no satisfaction and because of that have come up against a wall in terms of keeping myself fit and sharp. I know it’s work i need to do and i shouldn’t be blaming anything, but i can feel the difference.
Having been back at reservist for a few days now i can see how some things are kinda stupid or disliked by others, but surprise surprise, your guy right here enjoys it. I like checking the equipment in the vehicle to make sure everything is there and working correctly. I like testing the gear to make sure it’s running well, and then practicing to make sure i know what i’m doing and i do it well.
I like it that i have to keep my uniform pressed and neat, that i have to put on my headdress when walking in the open. I like walking in threes and whatever other ‘silly’ rule we’ve had to follow. It’s fun to me (or is it just a welcome break from teaching? No, can’t be, i enjoyed my NS days as well).
I want to specialize in doing difficult things that most others cannot, and if they can, are not brave enough to do. I want to run into a blazing building, rappel down into an apartment, attend a rescue operation, storm a building with my weapon at the ready, push myself till the point of breaking and then have my buddies yell at me to stand up and keep going.
I miss the camaraderie of suffering together just to get better, just so we can do our jobs well. I miss being around people who didn’t complain when challenges appeared, rather smiled at adversity and bulldozed through it. I miss working with people who would push themselves to the limit just so the team would be okay, but they didn’t have to go over the limit because there would always be someone to pull them out and take over from where they left off.
No, the fire service isn’t perfect. There are idiots everywhere, it is the law of the world. But their population density drops significantly in certain areas, and this is one line where that is the case. You just can’t afford to have such a weak link around; the system kicks them out or pushes them aside. It is by design.
I want to see what most people only read about or try to imagine. I want to be like these old men i’ve met who look unassuming but have don incredible feats and have the knowledge and experience with them. I want to grow old and die having used myself to the best i can, to serve and to be of aid to others. And i suppose it must be exciting hahaha.
I’ve already taken a first step so let’s see where this goes!