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schlert

i realize why i’ve stopped using social media:

i don’t care what people have to show/say, and nobody cares what i have to show/say

i feel like talking about how dumb and mindless it all is but it’s not worth the time

it’s important to take some time every day to count our blessings

the syaitan and nafs are relentless and endlessly crafty; you can make one right decision and they’ll play out an entire drama scene in your head where you are the hero and you start doing greater and greater things

some cats look so adorable and have that ‘help me i’m lost face’ that i can’t accept it in my head that they’re excellent hunters and killas

i’m learning to cross over from barebones to minimalism to minimum-efficient-dose-functionality. also, it’s pretty fun to decorate a home i realize. such serendipity to realize my cat’s potty matches the blue of the candle in the living room. i think a sofa of that shad would look good too

mind away from this world, come on STICK TO IT ALREADY

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Workout Plan Points

components:

  • light, medium, heavy days
  • daily work
  • focus part + everything else 1 set
  • rest days
  • functional training

possible:

  • work by week and not strictly by days
  • 1st workout of the week is light, followed by medium etc
  • focus days: arms, chest, shoulders, legs, back
  • legs focus: sprints (functional)

daily work:

  • push ups (1 min and to failure?)
  • 1 min handstand (and increase with time)
  • pull ups (increase with time)
  • leg stretching

days:

  • tues thurs sat
  • tues fri sun

supplements:

  • whey protein
  • creatine
  • beta alanine (till the bottle is used up then stop)
  • l-arginine (same)
  • glutamine (same? maybe already done)

consider factor in long-run + load

Pie

We’re at a time where where have weak, physically incompetent people kicking up a fuss over and getting all paranoid over ‘safety’ in sports.

I don’t discount that tragic accidents have happened, and they are upsetting, but the fact remains that such incidences are indeed rare and sometimes are caused by negligence or fault of the victims themselves. It is the human mind that tends to focus on that rare unfortunate incident, because it just plain sticks out. Every day, for years, things run smoothly and normally but that’s boring so it pales in comparison.

All these people who are so afraid should take a look at rugby players. Their sport involves running into people and falling down a lot. They’re fine. And we’ve got tiny kids playing the sport too.

After one tragic incident, everything looks like it can ‘topple over at any time’. What are we talking about here, poltergeists?? Unless there’s an earthquake, things don’t simply topple over unless they’re very unstable to begin with. Don’t be surprised if one day you find tables, chairs, cupboards, lamp posts and what have you all securely fastened to the ground so it won’t TOPPLE OVER AND HURT SOMEONE.

THIS UPSETS ME SEVERELY BECAUSE WE ARE PASSING ON AN EXAGGERATED FEAR COMPLEX AND EXTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL TO OUR KIDS, WHO WILL GROW UP TO BE SEVERELY OUT OF SYNC WITH THE PHYSICAL WORLD AND WHO THINK IT PERFECTLY FINE TO START BLAMING THIS THING AND THAT PERSON WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. 

SOMETIMES IT’S OUR FAULT SO PLEASE WE MUST HAVE THE GRACE TO ACCEPT IT AND JUST MOVE ON. NOT EVERY INCIDENT REQUIRES A RELOOKING AT EVERYTHING AND SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN. THEY ARE CALLED ‘ACCIDENTS’ FOR A REASON; SO MUCH IS OUT OF OUR HANDS AND SIMPLY BEYOND OUR ABILITY TO CONTROL, INFLUENCE AND/OR PREVENT.

On the bright side it’s a good sign that people can sit down and discuss things in a civil manner. It’s also a good thing that we seem to care for one another.

But really, most of it is starting to get sorely unbearable. Many people have discussed this phenomena of being over protective, overly cautious and carrying a false sense of control. At this point this environment sickens me and as much as I feel I need to and can do things to improve the state of things, I also really just wanna get the heaven out of here.

Sigh… I’m sighing and I’m not one to sigh. I hate what this job has become and I’m embarrassed to be a part of it. I don’t wanna offend anyone yet I know I can’t speak the truth, however tactfully, without stepping on some toes.

If you were offended by this then maybe you’re one of them, but know this: I don’t hate you. I get it, you’ve got something to lose and God I know how that feels. It’s scary, unreal, and a painful truth.

But its okay, we’ll be okay, we’re all in this together. Your pain is my pain and I’m not gonna let anything happen to your loved one simply because they are connected to me too. We are all alive, that is a most powerful binding factor.

We will be okay. Do things out of love and logic, not fear and out of force, because the latter will undo the good we do.

Draft: How to Work in a Lousy Environment

Drafts are ideas i have chosen to commit to written word despite wanting to write it to perfection; that might take too long than i like or can afford, so i’m sticking to advice i read: shipping beats perfection. I honestly don’t know if i’ll ever revisit this piece.

This piece is intended for those who cannot get out of a lousy work environment, for reasons such as being bonded (i know what that feels like) or anything else you deem valid. The strategies listed are mainly targeted at making the best of the situation and not sabotaging ourselves on top of being in a crap place.

In essence, what we will do is:

  1. Manage well what we can control
  2. Automate as much as possible
  3. Build pillars of support

Italicised content are examples and not essential to your reading.

Let’s start.

1. Manage well what we can control

  • Seek to improve your situation, and always start small but stay consistent. It is normal to feel a rush of enthusiasm and hope sometimes, but kick yourself in the behind and make yourself do one thing at a time. Once you’ve settled in to that new habit, start a new one.
  • Dress sharply. For every profession, there’s an image of what the best in that field looks like. Cultivate that image in your mind, then build your wardrobe to match it.

    e.g. deliveryman: if there’s a uniform it should fit well, be clean and ironed. Choose shoes that strike a balance between looking good and matching the demands of your work.

  • Keep yourself well groomed: hair, facial hair, body hair, nails. Keep yourself clean and smelling good. Opt for fresh scents as opposed to strong, heady, ‘masculine’ scents.
  • Adopt good posture always. When you stand tall, you feel good. Period.
  • Structure your meals and plan what to eat if possible. This prevents us from bingeing or consuming loads of junk food which in turn will harm our health. I factor in food i like into my plan so when it comes time to eat i know exactly what to eat and enjoy it doubly knowing that it’s good for my body.
  • Stay. Calm. Always. The more calm you are the more energy you have for important work as less of it is lost to high emotions and self-restraint.
  • Your space is your temple. Make it nice and conducive to your work so that every time you go there you feel at ease and are bathed in positive vibes.
  • Time is precious and when lost, never found again. Prioritize and cut out the fluff you can do without e.g. browsing social media sites, reading the papers. You’ll soon see life is amazing without all those things cluttering up your mind and eating away chunks of your time.

2. Automate as much as possible

  • Take some time at first to organize the little things so that they can sort themselves out. That way they won’t bug you and rob your attention from what truly deserves your mental energies (the article that inspired this: Why Teachers Are So Tired).

    e.g. i only have one email subscription, the Art of Manliness newsletter. Everything else i opt out from or delete when it appears in my inbox (unless it’s important or work related of course). That way i don’t have to sieve through my inbox for ‘important’ things. Also, i get a text when my phone bill is due, then i’ll pay it via ibanking. I can choose to set an automatic deduction but i personally want to see what i’m billed for and it also helps keep my consumption in check.

    My backpack is organised according to how i use it. Left easy access pouch (from Decathlon, i attached it myself to the strap) contains my earpiece and any small article accidentally brought home from work e.g. marker, pen. Right pouch contains my house keys. I don’t have to think when i need to open the door or listen to something; it’s just there.

    I have something of a launchpad: a little container where i put the stuff i carry in my pockets every morning to work. That way once i get dressed i scoop everything up, distribute to pockets, and i’m off. 

    My workflow (i’m a teacher) is still in the process of fine-tuning because honestly it seems i am a totally different person every other month or so. But i roughly have sections/storage containers for: extra worksheets/circulars, worksheets to mark, worksheets to be done, stationery, form class admin documents, lesson resources, binders and rubber bands. That way when i’m doing work i can just reach out without thinking and grab what i need/continue with my state of flow, uninterrupted.

  • Have a clear system for dealing with tasks and incoming demands. One i’ve used: Today’s Big Three. Every night, choose three core items to get done the next day and strive to complete them as soon as possible. With the core settled, you’re left with smaller tasks (in theory). And when you at least have a focus of what to do, you’re more likely to get something done rather than try to do everything and accomplishing nothing.

    Another thing i’ve read, though not used personally, is the Urgent/Important decision matrix. Something urgent needs to be done quickly. Something important cannot be missed. Not everything urgent is important e.g. a colleague wants to know your lunch order.

    This gives us four categories:
    1. Urgent and important – prepare documents for an emergency meeting
    2. Important and not urgent – send out meeting minutes
    3. Urgent and unimportant – a colleague just dropped by your table wanting to know what happened yesterday (sorry mate i can’t talk now but i’ll tell you later)
    4. Not urgent and unimportant – responding to lame WhatsApp messages, reading everything in your inbox (why not just delete a lot of it lol)

  • As far as possible, have a routine for your day; most people already take the same route to work, stop by for breakfast at the same place at the same time, but also include what you do once you get home all the way till you close your eyes to sleep… AND your weekend and off days. This is something i’m working on myself but every time i click something into place, my life feels that much better.

3. Build Pillars of Support

  • Living alone is boring and todally not fun. There are nice people everywhere so seek them out, genuinely like and be nice to them and spread good vibes between you and them. Some examples of nice people i’ve personally found:
    • Cats
    • Family
    • Cleaners
    • Admin staff
    • Some colleagues
    • Security guards
    • Bus drivers
  • Engage in meditation and deep breathing. Having some time to connect with the divine or simply disengage from this physical world can do wonders for our stress levels, perspective of life and how we feel in general.
  • Practice deep breathing. We don’t breathe deep often enough and we really need it. Just do it, i won’t explain more.
  • Get some exercise in every day if you can’t commit to solid workouts several times a week. Exercise makes you feel good and duh, it’s good for your body too.I used to go to the gym several times a week but when that went through the window i’ve started doing pull ups every day, starting at 5 (it was too easy to be honest but i started small cos being overly ambitious at the start can lead to quick failure), and now i’m at 9; besides working my muscles a little, i’m getting excited with my slow but steady progress and the possibilities that lay ahead. I also do a minute of push ups when i get home.

  • Have something to look forward to. For me it’s reading, writing and gaming. I have a book with me almost everywhere i go and when a pocket of empty time presents itself, however small, i do my best to pull out my book and read.

 

Whoever you are and whatever your situation, i hope you apply these steps bit by bit. Above all, i really pray you find the strength and goodness in wherever you find yourself in; you were not put there by chance, so make the most of it.

And when you can, and you know you must, GET OUT OF THERE.

There is always greener grass; but that isn’t a reason to settle for an environment that doesn’t support your growth, health and respect you as a valued individual who’s part of a family and not merely an expendable cog in a huge, soulless machine.

(Oh wow this doesn’t seem so draft-ish anymore now that i’ve finished writing it. Inspiration here for ‘if you aren’t afraid to lose then you’ll do more to achieve and find bigger wins’. Placebo effect too? Another time.)

In this world but not of it

A few emotions have swept over me these few days, some of them tides from little currents that i have been feeling for some time now. After some reflection i will describe and explain in this order:

I’ve been feeling very down and drained by my current work environment. If i could change it i would, but my contract is such and i am stuck for awhile. It is a pretty unpleasant situation and there is a war within me:

Option 1: To be so dazzlingly bright and awesome that everything changes with me

Option 2: To just get through the time i must be here and then transferring out (read: i can’t beat ’em but i won’t join ’em)

I cannot settle for Option 2 because the stubborn part of me refuses to believe that any challenge is too big to take on. The practical part says that there are some battles we must walk away from. Quitting isn’t always a bad thing.

And just now as i was listening to a recording of a dhikr session (dhikr is Arabic for remembrance. Participants chant litanies, their speed, melody and lyrics varying greatly according to factors such as purpose, preference and culture amongst many others). Midway i was reminded of the pain cave – this idea that i read about in Tour de France cyclists.

The Tour is a gruelling race, a great test of mental and physical strength. What many cyclists find themselves in is a world of pain but instead of giving up they embrace it and go with it, their mind becoming a proverbial ‘pain cave’. The further they travel the deeper in they go. It is through this acceptance yet altered state of consciousness that they can power through what most people would consider an impossible feat.

What came to me was a dhikr cave. That i engage my tongue and heart in dhikr, bringing myself into my dhikr cave. Every morning as i walk to work instead of merely moving my tongue, my entire being must be in a state of remembrance. Then my feet will keep walking and although my eyes will be open they will not see this world but gaze further. And even then they will perceive what is in front of and around me such that my physical self can continue to exist and operate unharmed.

And if my remembrance is sincere, consistent, focused and as complete as i can make it, then i am sure tranquility will descend upon me and this tranquility will hopefully be felt by those around me. If i have felt it from others then it means i can be one of them too.

Honestly i don’t know how far a climb this is, because i only know i’m way down at the bottom. But i do believe with all my heart that there is always hope and the means and openings will match my want and expectation.

As much as i don’t like the place i am working at now, i have to admit, it is a good thing for me just as it was that i had chicken pox on my Umrah.

I am in this place now because my remembrance is lacking, my focus is waning, my temptations unchecked, my mind unsharpened and my heart not still. I have been put here, where i am so repulsed and upset, that i have no choice but to turn to Him, physically, spiritually, in my heart, my words, actions and thoughts.

Alone again

After being alive for a decent time, during which I’ve met and interacted with other living people, I’ve come to a sort of guess or understanding of one version of life.

It starts with comfort for most of us, when we grow up sheltered and taken care of. Some others are already alone, or feel alone given circumstances.

As we mature and our beliefs develop and our thinking gets deeper, we might then start to look for people whom we feel we belong with. Not finding that group leads to loneliness for some.

This is the part where we might realize the people we grew up with might be quite different from us and that we can’t totally see eye to eye.

And for those who get married, it might be to someone they belong with, or they’ll soon discover that even between spouses there isn’t that level of sameness that they once sought and maybe even found.

That could explain why we still need time apart, to hang with people we can really identify with. For men I guess there’s a tendency to be with other men. Brotherhood is a special feeling, and perhaps sisterhood might feel similar, although I think women don’t usually stick with a bunch of friends for so long or hang out so often. I’m being very general, maybe even narrow or factually inaccurate but that’s not important in this discussion.

I guess some married people then put hope in their children or future children; after all it’s a person they’re molding from the start.

Then it might happen to their child as it did to them, that he will identify more with somebody else. In fact the child might adopt and embody traits that the parent despises and has been staying away from. It is, after all, not in a parent’s control who the child chooses to emulate.

And once this child leaves, for whatever reason, the adult might feel more alone than ever.

Loneliness is subjective and actually totally within our control.

If you found yourself disagreeing with points above then chances are you’re either blessed to be around people you can relate to on almost every level, or you have taken steps to make it happen.

Make it happen. That’s exactly what anyone who found themselves agreeing with my thoughts above, should do.

If you want a certain life, take small actions regularly to get yourself there.

The important points are:

1) these steps are small – that way acting on them feels achievable and not daunting. After some successes you’ll feel more driven.

2) they are consistent – If you start on something important, STICK. WITH. IT.

3) you regularly reflect honestly – reflection ensures we stay on track and identify what’s working (keep these) and what’s not (modify or remove these). Honesty is the safeguard from going down a path we WISH is right but might not be at all. Keep it real.

Lastly, I believe in finding our Positive True Love. This is something we can do so much that we lose track of time. I said Positive because sometimes we get carried away with things that actually damage us.

For instance, i love reading and writing. I can find company, solace and fulfillment in these two. Note: this is a SPECIFIC type of solace and fulfillment, as these two have different aspects that are met differently. At least for me.

I could spend most of my time busy with these two things and end up feeling really happy and fulfilled. I’ll feel good! But here’s where things aren’t gonna sound so rosy anymore. Here i will explain how it seems to me from my perspective and given my situation.

If i selfishly spend much time on these things i like (which are, unfortunately, individual activities that require some distance from others) i will lead my loved ones feeling estranged, and when I’m NOT in the mood to read and write, I assume it’s their company I might want or need. As much as human interactions are quite tiring, demanding and sometimes pointless for me, I believe i need to keep telling myself that that isn’t what I truly believe. That these sentiments spawn from some underlying frustration and dissatisfaction about a number of things, and they colour my mood negative. And when i don’t feel so good, nearly EVERYTHING is bad and it takes a great amount of self-restraint and patience for me to behave like a decent human being and not blow my top or lash out at people who i find annoying then.

The only issue with all that is it requires willpower to sustain, which is a finite resource. There have been dark, dark moments when i had to just face up to the fact that i really, really don’t need to be surrounded by people to be happy.

I’m truly happy when i know my loved ones are doing alright, out of harm or trouble. And that’s mostly it.

The conflict arises in me when I know that for THEM to be happy, they want me around. So i must give in, because that is my duty to them and that is the least i can do after ALL i have taken, with or without asking.

And so at the end of the day, when the water is still and i can look through to the deepest end of me, the realization is clear as day: i am truly physically alone in this world.

As much as you can ‘change’ or ‘control’ what loneliness is, this writer believes that he is indeed alone. Sometimes lonely, but always alone.

The people around me whom i love are temporary companions. I can do all i want to make these relationships powerful and positive, but i am only one half of these relationships. People will disappoint, as i have myself, and perhaps most painful of all is that i don’t think anybody is willing to accept my view of reality, and instead will attach some negativity to it.

For instance, i’m only saying these things because they are ‘not good enough’ or that they are a burden to me, or that ‘i should have picked somebody else’.

These are not true. Not at all. I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: if i could relive my life and build the people part from scratch, i’d pick the same people to be my family and spouse and some close friends; these are the most important to me. Some friends and whatever i could do without hahaha but that’s not important.

I’m as alone now as i will be in my grave, and perhaps it is only when i am there that you all will see how your company is arbitrary… but your LOVE… your love and prayers will mean the world to me.

I hope you see that my love for you makes you my world, even if that means i’m sometimes not there beside you.

I love you all, and i hope all of you live a life of love.

agz

i haven’t been here in ages, so it is therefore time to throw up all over this page LET’S GET TO IT

you know that double-slit experiment thing? the nature of the photon is determined by the.absence or presence of an intelligent observer(or measurer?)

this little thing (or my rudimentary understanding of it) got me thinking about what it takes to be an ‘observer’, and whether that has anything to do with intelligence and/or sentience.

would a cat observing the experiment result in particle behaviour? if no, then we could perhaps conclude that the cat is insufficiently intelligent to do that.

but if it does, then how low down the scale of intelligence can we go? what is the minimum amount of intelligence needed to collapse the probabilities present?

and how about a machine, how sophisticated a machine is needed to achieve the impact a human observer has on the experiment?

if these experiments go a certain way then we could possibly have a way of testing for sentience, and that certain way is: particle behaviour is seen when observed by a sentient creature/creatures (cos i imagine having one ant might not be enough so we can instead have a box of ants), and that even modern computers have no effect on it.

that could mean that one day, when artificial intelligence had advanced sufficiently, that we’d see that computer collapse the probabilities of a travelling particle and then conclude that that AI is sentient. how it observes is really not important: visual receptors? some other kind of sensor? but the idea is exciting.


sometimes it is very frustrating talking to a group of people because many whom i meet have this tendency to talk over others, not really listen to what someone is saying, and, probably the most subtly irritating one of all: are not aware of the signs that someone is waiting to speak or has something to contribute. it really tests my patience when conversations become loud and pointless, but i guess i must have prayed for patience so here’s my chance to be just that.

as i’m typing this i realize that i actually look forward to more of such conversations. it’s starting to feel like a game almost, that i’m getting good at, and every interaction is a chance for me to practice and level up. wow okay, i’m actually feeling quite good now hahaha. say hello to quiet and patient me!


we’ve got virtual reality now, pair that with surround sound that’s been around for quite awhile now. the next step we need is smells! once upon a time i think there was a device which did just that, but it relied on chemicals or something; it literally puffed out the smells. i should think the way forward is to artificially stimulate our smell-receptors. through providing current or something, we trick our brains/something into thinking we’re smelling something.

which leads nicely into actual-tactile experiences. watch a movie and feel what you’re looking at. the scene is in a burning building and you feel the heatwaves wash over you; a baby is sleeping on a luxuriously soft pillow and you feel its smoothness against your skin. COOL INNIT!

in more practical applications, harnessing such tech could give doctors the ability to feel the pain their patients feel, thereby allowing them to better diagnose the problem and whatever else. it’s simply a fact that pain can be difficult to describe, and some people find it harder than others.


about two months ago i signed up with lootcrate to get a box of goodies every month. initially i was quite stoked by the idea of it, but even after opening my second box i felt thoroughly nothing. i wasn’t happy, i wasn’t disappointed. i was excited to open it, that i was, but the feelings stopped the moment i looked into the box. to be perfectly clear there’s nothing wrong with the lootcrate boxes; my wife, a non-geek, impartial observer, did remark that some of the box’s contents were ‘really cool’; that says something, alright.

i have since thought about my feelings and expectations in greater detail, and have arrived at the following conclusions:

  1. i’m looking for something, but i might not be sure what it is, so in the process of searching i’m trying things on for size
  2. i want REAL things made from LIVING or ONCE ALIVE things, to put it crudely; wood, metal, fabric, clay… plastic just feels so dead to me. i do agree that plastic is extremely versatile and it has excellent applications in the world but sometimes i just don’t feel it, yaknow? while i’m talking about plastics, i might as well make a list of the plastic things in my life that i like or have come to depend on to get certain things done: my uniball signo DX pen (waterproof! hah!!), i think my g-shock mudman is made of plastic, my protein shaker (though i might prefer a metal one… i’m not sure, plastic aglets are probably underappreciated (the plastic tip of shoelaces), my red Nike waterproof jacket, might as well throw in my Overboard dry-pack, i think at least one of my shoes is plastic (synthetic leather is it? or something else, i’m not sure), the keyboard on my laptop, my old gaming mouse, i guess the desktop speakers are meant to be plastic too… i don’t have much else to go on. interesting.
  3. i want things i can use every day without thinking of changing or replacing, like my old Wild Rhino leather boat shoes. that pair was simply perfect and i couldn’t bear to throw it away when the sole was so thin that there were holes round the back. it was just so good and did its job perfectly well!! (i wish i could find those shoes again. brown. nice.) my current xperia m4 aqua is also perfect for me except that the android os its running on can be quite a pain sometimes, somehow taking up a ton of space on its pathetic internal memory. ok you know what, time for another list. this time it’s gonna look better.- my red audio technica earpices
    – the black pro-stak protein shaker which i misplaced and someone probably threw it way :(((((((
    – my mudman
    – my mvmt watch (tan straps and black face)
    – timberland satchel (thanks family for that gift)
    – my uniball signo dx black pen hahaha (it’s been waiting for a refill for AGES now)
    – my macbook air (with Portal stickers at each side of the trackpad, and this zombie-ish hand sticker on the front, it’s PERFECT)
    – my tasbih (thanks to Bakar Pupa + Muma)
    – my red water bottle

I guess that’s all for now. there might be more, but there isn’t a need to keep going.

so anyway back to the point:

this whole curiosity and expectation is exciting and therefore seems to plug the need for me wanting something. so i’m gonna dig deep and list down things i want:

  1. to read ALL the books i have waiting for me
  2. to have my own place and have it clean and minimalist and functional and to our taste and without anybody’s interference
  3. to have my own privacy. i just need a place i can go to to kick back. since getting married i’ve moved out of my home and into a house. no matter how nicely my in-laws can treat me it just doesn’t equate to the feeling that this is a place i belong to. that’s a very demanding thing that takes lots of deep feelings, love, attachment and honesty with one another. that’s something i have only felt so far with my biological family. it feels different being around them and i know for a fact i can be me there and everyone will know it’s just me.
  4. to get out of this job i guess hahaha. if i could i’d do it right now but i signed myself to a bond so i have to honour that. till i leave i’m gonna hold on to the believe that there is a greater purpose for me being here and i’m gonna have as great a time as i can till i’m out. if i’m not given a good time i’ll MAKE a good time.
  5. to finally come to terms with who i am and who i want to be and what i have to offer to this world. i’ve sorta pressured myself into a certain role by telling a TON of people everywhere that i’m gonna be super famous and influential one day (so remember my name and my face so when you see me on the television for all the right reasons, you can tell those around you ‘omg i know him! he used to be my *insert nature of our interaction*). cos as the days go by i sometimes doubt if i wanna be famous. there’s a lot of weight that comes with that, and how about the privacy of my family? at the same time, famous how? i really wanna do a lot of things, like A LOT, and i BELIEVE i can, so i just have to get my footing right and go step by step. in fact i need to up my game RIGHT NOW because ‘later’ will never come with good news unless i start putting in effort ‘now’.

i also know for a fact now that i like getting rid of things. when my possessions dropped, my feeling of freedom and lightness went up. it’s like i subconsciously worry about my stuff when i’m not with em or whatever. so the less i have the less i have to lose, and i really don’t need much because that’s just the fact of my existence.


i had a few more things in mind but i’ll post this up for now.

instead of waiting and vomiting like i just did, i’ll make it a habit to write when something comes to mind.

i’ve kinda been able to do that for my other blog (produkc.wordpress.com) and instagram too, so this is the next step.

it feels like lots of people demand my time and that i’m ironically free-est at my work cubicle hahaha. i’ll need to plan my time better and be assertive about me doing things i NEED to do for me. i can’t keep making people happy without them knowing that sometimes i need some time off, too.

till next time, take care of one another.