Some days, like today, are empty. I have no reason to get off the bed except to pray or maybe go to the bathroom. I’m not hungry, I was thirsty last night and presumably as I slept given the dreams of drinking several chilled, sweet beverages, but when I woke up I desired none of that. In fact the thought of cold water going down my throat and sending jolts through my body seemed especially unpleasant.
We’ve spent the last few days going out, being with people, exercising, eating well, reading and being with family. Yet the feeling persists.
Why am I alive? What is my purpose?
‘ to worship’ is what I’ve been taught, and it’s what’s in the Noble Book.
I’ve thought about it much. I can’t deny the simple beauty of it. In fact it makes sense and I accept.
I just finished an incredible book, A History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and it made me feel disappointed in mankind and what we supposedly do on this earth: live, and reproduce.
The living part I can understand. I mean we’re already here, might as well make the most of it. But to continue our bloodline? What’s the point of that? The universe got on just fine before we came along and although we’re hurting the earth a lot, in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t actually matter. Species go extinct all the time and the earth repeats the extinction cycle every now and then. Our era of existence is not even a blip in the earth’s history of doing its own thing.
In short life makes no sense to me right now, I’m only taking care of myself because a very loud voice in my head just cannot bear to see me looking pathetic or small like an insect. It’s got an overwhelming desire for me to be big and strong and powerful and I can’t help but placate that part of my brain.
So on the surface I look healthy, active and I’m cheerful with people (that part I can’t really help either, it happens automatically) but inside I have no desire for anything much at this point at least, and I’m disappointed that I don’t even look forward to or enjoy engaging in worship and remembrance.
It’s like I need to come out of the closet but instead of announcing to the world that I’m gay, it’ll be more like ‘I’m actually a rock and I just want to stay here on this spot forever and not move. Sorry guys but that’s just who I am’.
Something tells me this haze over my brain will pass, and I’m sure there are times in my life when things are a lot clearer and I feel a drive to do things.
But it’ll be back, and I’m worried that I know it with such certainty.
Hmm ok new point of introspection: I know I’m in a specific state of mind now and although I can rationalize and justify my feelings and thoughts now, it’s still something I don’t enjoy and I want to get out of it.
My mind tells me now ‘i want to escape this, this is reality, and be invested in the illusion of doing things that ‘matter’ and chasing some goal that ultimately has a high chance of being quite pointless really’.
It’s all so perplexing I think I need to shower now.