it’s nearly 3 am. i didn’t plan to stay up but look where we are, all over again; this maddening and ceaseless cycle that i can’t seem to shake off for good.
and again with the silence of the roads and the stillness in the air come more thoughts than i’d like, even more than when i find my mind jumping between a hundred things in the daytime.
just thinking now of how… i’ve said so many hurtful things to so many people. and as much as i think i remember them, i need to keep in mind that there were probably other instances that i can’t recall. but which they still might, which might still cut them, which i am oblivious to and helpless about.
this is why i like my cats, and maybe that’s why i take back my wish for them to speak/for me to understand them. because then maybe they might say hurtful things, too, and i’d be heartbroken on a way deeper level…
i just figured out my latest diet plan so i’ll stick to it starting tomorrow, and i’ll have to get back to exhausting myself physically so i don’t have time to feel the pain and i-don’t-know-what that i’ve been feeling a lot of.
it’s funny how i’m sat here in this chair i bought, on a desk i set up, yet i feel so alone and… not belong-ed. we used to say home is where the other person was but when that fails, now what?
maybe i just need to cry because it feels like there’s a very advanced and structurally sound dam inside me, really doing a good job of keeping everything inside. but then there’s that disconnect between what i feel and what i’m showing.
which is probably almost everyone else’s life, huh. you walk past a hundred people but only maybe hear one problem. everything else is buried and seething or breaking and aching, but we all don’t see. we go about our lives with our nice hair and clean faces and smile and say hi but deep down, so many of us are hurting.
and yet… what a time to be alive.
'_' 