Old Things

I was just watching a video of someone organising their new house, going through the belongings of its late owner. Her things were all beautiful and had that ‘proper’ look i’ve come to associate with ‘old’ things.

You probably know what i’m talking about. Posing for photos, neat fonts and lines, thick covers and beautiful binding.

For a while i used to lowkey laugh at how the people of the past used to take things so seriously, but i think i finally get it, and agree – and think our current age is a little sad, despite the ‘conveniences’ we have.

Back then, some things were not as easily replaceable. Getting a photo taken was something of a big deal. You’d then have to store said photo carefully so you can show the next generations who they descended from etc.

And those things took up space and had a sort of permanence, so of course they’d warrant a little attention, if not some degree of beautfy. But that’s where the contrast is:

We live in an easily-accessible, quick to get and quick to throw, replaceable world. There is no need for permanence nor even physical space. Easy come, easy go. The recent trend of badly-taken blurry photos was something i once thought kinda cool or artsy, but damn, now it’s just kinda sad. We have so many and so easily taken that a couple hundred crappy photos doesn’t matter.

Recently i’ve been feeling very nostalgic about the past, for a time when we had to struggle and search to get things. I remember going through magazines and learning of cheat codes from word of mouth, then trying and recording them in a book. When the internet became more commonly used, slow connection speeds prevented us from easily accessing sites as and when, so we resorted to printing or copying by hand.

Downloading one song at a time, taking hours, going through box after box of Magic the Gathering cards, checking out the latest silly toys at the bookshop, checking the TV schedule and then feeling that pit of agony when i realised i’d missed a show. Pirated CDs at the pasar malam, then malaysia, demo versions of games we’d play again and again till every corner had been explored, every outcome experienced, every boundary tested.

The opening of the floodgates has been good in so many ways, but i don’t think we actually needed it. Perhaps economically (or for businesses) the gains were the greatest, but the common man could’ve used that degree of mystery and effort.

When things come easy, they feel cheap and less precious. And for that i miss the old world.

I miss a time when there was so much that was unknown, so many unexplored areas – it filled me with an excitement and longing that was even more potent than the actual discoveries or experiences.

Perhaps that feeling will be within reach again, when deep space travel becomes a thing. Maybe then we’ll have a hundred worlds of mystery to explore and mine, out of reach of the web and its spoilt treasures, disconnected and magical.

2:53

haha there is a pattern. i’m off by just a few (seven) minutes.

i had a lot of things on my mind, but now it’s grey and numb. not a blank, because i still hear the shadows of words and see their whispers, but nothing of them will flow through my fingers.

so i’ll call it a night instead.

not irl, no, just here. because who knows what time i’ll finally put my head down and let my mind swim for who knows how long before the alarm jolts me awake again.

2:46

it’s nearly 3 am. i didn’t plan to stay up but look where we are, all over again; this maddening and ceaseless cycle that i can’t seem to shake off for good.

and again with the silence of the roads and the stillness in the air come more thoughts than i’d like, even more than when i find my mind jumping between a hundred things in the daytime.

just thinking now of how… i’ve said so many hurtful things to so many people. and as much as i think i remember them, i need to keep in mind that there were probably other instances that i can’t recall. but which they still might, which might still cut them, which i am oblivious to and helpless about.

this is why i like my cats, and maybe that’s why i take back my wish for them to speak/for me to understand them. because then maybe they might say hurtful things, too, and i’d be heartbroken on a way deeper level…

i just figured out my latest diet plan so i’ll stick to it starting tomorrow, and i’ll have to get back to exhausting myself physically so i don’t have time to feel the pain and i-don’t-know-what that i’ve been feeling a lot of.

it’s funny how i’m sat here in this chair i bought, on a desk i set up, yet i feel so alone and… not belong-ed. we used to say home is where the other person was but when that fails, now what?

maybe i just need to cry because it feels like there’s a very advanced and structurally sound dam inside me, really doing a good job of keeping everything inside. but then there’s that disconnect between what i feel and what i’m showing.

which is probably almost everyone else’s life, huh. you walk past a hundred people but only maybe hear one problem. everything else is buried and seething or breaking and aching, but we all don’t see. we go about our lives with our nice hair and clean faces and smile and say hi but deep down, so many of us are hurting.

and yet… what a time to be alive.

“because of you”

I was just thinking about how it could actually be a bad thing to tell a child that their parents nearly got divorced, but chose to stay together because of the child.

Essentially, one or both of them would have actually been happier on their own but chose to forsake that for the child. You could’ve been happy!! But you stayed? For me??

How should a child feel about that?

I mean, even if things are great now, that’s still a heavy thought to grapple with.

Bella the cat #1

In today’s P3 and 4 lessons i briefly talked about Bella the cat:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CcssXsah0PN/
When i first saw her i thought she was a boy (for those of you confused by what i say in the video)
After I’d showered her.
On the way to the vet

So anyway thursday i showered her to discover she was super SUPER skinny, smelt bad, had gunk stuck in her back toe nails, and was very weak. She didn’t want to eat or drink but in any case i HAD to bring her to the vet because of how bad she looked.

And at first i thought she was having diarrhoea, because i kept finding little puddles of smelly beige fluid.

Fast forward to the vet’s (Mt Pleasant Vet, Jln Gelenggang – had to go there because they’re 24 hrs. It was already 6-ish at that time and the nearby vet was closing v soon). Turns out she was SUPER dehydrated, and that wasn’t diarrhoea – that liquid was pus oozing from a bad wound at her left leg.

Needless to say the doctors had to take her in to give her lots of fluid, antibiotics and a heat pad to at least get her to a stable condition.

That was Thursday night.

On Friday they called to update that she was still not super okay and still refused to eat or drink.

And today during our class the vet called again to update – that’s why i had to leave to take that call and pass it to someone else. Important update!

She’s gotten a TEENY WEENY bit better, and is now moving around the cage.

I really hope she does well. I plan on visiting her on Monday (visiting hours 2-4 pm, which is understandable because the sick animals need their privacy and rest time, and the staff need to be able to focus on their work).

I still don’t know what will happen next because there are already 4 cats here (Kiki is back for now!) and introducing a 5th might be very difficult. If i could, I’d keep ALL THE CATS. But space is a real constraint, as with whether or not they can get along, and the costs of keeping many animals healthy and happy.

(p.s. if you noticed that loud sound in the video, it’s the construction going on outside. Mon to sat, morning till night :’) they’re building a bunch of things here, see. Just gotta bear with it, eh.)

Anyway that’s all, hope this update answered all the questions i didn’t get to address during the lesson just now. If there’s anything else you’d like to know, please leave a comment and i’ll do my best to reply as soon as possible.

Take care of one another.

never thought it’d be like this

i just published a 2000+ post (did NOT expect it to be that long) on my private blog

it never used to be like that. i could always show up here and say things but recently i’ve realised that i can’t. people could read this (DUH) and it’s not that i’m saying anything bad (hardly have those to say – not because i’m a good person, mind you, but because i am just so tired + can’t be bothered. or maybe i’m getting oLd. AgE cHaNgEs YoU).

but it’s that it’s become apparent that more people than i expect know about this blog, and not everything i want to say i’m comfortable telling the whole world (strange, i know right).

therefore it is conceivable that this public-facing blog will be dead for a while, as i publish my thoughts in the private blog, put up the rare piece on produkc, and keep up with my writing on drfwz (been LOVING that part).

but here’s a snippet of a bit of reflection that was included in the just-published post: i don’t want to be famous. i used to want to, honestly, but really, no more. i don’t want to be recognised when i’m outside. i want to be able to happily be me and not receive special/extra attention just because i’m known.

i want to be able to say OOOORA! ORAORAORAORAORAOROA! while grocery shopping (true story) and not have that /be worried that that’ll turn into a viral post/video just cos i’m kNoWn. i like that i can be a stranger to the world. it’s a bit difficult being a teacher, especially in my current context, but for the most part it’s fine.

so no, no thank you to fame. i’ve come to love anonymity and actually feel freed that i no longer have the need to be known/popular. for that i’m grateful.

What would you do with an extra $1000/month?

That’s a question that Uncle Ramit posted in one of the IWT emails, and it got me really excited.

I’ll share my actions then I’ll explore why I got excited and what that could mean / imply.

– I really want to get pre-planned meals delivered, with the right macros and ingredients. Some of the offerings I saw are in the $400-600 price range but tbh, I’d happily pay good money to fuel my body with food that is: responsibly sourced, nutritious, balanced and convenient. I’d rather not cook and my simple meals are starting to get a little difficult to keep up with happily haha.

– One or two spa / massage days a month. Not more because I like the anticipation and how much more special it feels when it’s rare. I don’t really have a need for either, but I’ve had days where my workouts seem to take an extra toll on me, or the weather’s been extra chilly. To hop into a sauna or hot stone spa would be *chef’s kisssss*

– Coaching / classes. Learning online is definitely doable, but I’ve come to realise then when it’s about skills, I much prefer having personal attention and that level of accountability. Things I want to learn to an acceptable level of proficiency (likely one at a time, to really lean in and excel): classical singing, metal singing (what a jump hahaha), throat singing (ok didn’t realise I want to do so much singing lol the magic of writing stuff down amirite), woodworking, muay Thai, BJJ, gymnastics. That’s it for now! Pretty sure the list might grow with time.

To be honest those are pretty much all the things I WANT to spend a bomb on, but have not.

But now the why. Why did I get excited about thinking of spending more money?

Well for a start more income means more freedom to me. My idea of freedom is closely tied to convenience and access to information. I love self improvement and learning. And I think since these opportunities are always just out there on my radar, I quickly linked more money to bringing those goals nearer to me.

There’s also the possible assumption that more will be better, when my present situation is in fact better than a few years ago. Yet I don’t feel that same sensation of freedom and excitement thinking of my everyday life.

Equilibrium being one factor, there is a more practical one: I’m spending within my means but don’t have a whole lot left over. I don’t spend too much on myself besides necessities, but a sizeable chunk of my incomes goes towards supporting causes I truly believe in.

I can definitely stop them at any time and free up more money for my own use, but I’ve thought about it, and decided that that won’t give me the same sense of being true to my life’s purpose and mission.

So for the time being, being true to who I want to be = not having as much disposable income as I’d like, but it’s a trade off that’s well worth the cost imo.

All of a sudden I feel like I have nothing left to say so I’ll stop here.